Are you ashamed of your fears? I used to be ashamed of mine. I thought I wasn’t supposed to have them, so I avoided my fears. Therefore I knew very little about them. Now I use cognitive behavior therapy, CBT, and The Work of Byron Katie, both professionally and personally. Now I see fears can be galvanizing, welcome guides. When we practice these simple and life changing methods, we see our fears completely differently.
On Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, articles or books, proclamations abound that we are supposed to be “fearless”. But how does one do that? And is that even possible? When we get the message from our culture, friends, or family, that we are not supposed to be fearful, it can be pretty confusing. We have our fears, whatever they may be, and now we have shame. We don’t necessarily know why we are afraid of what we are afraid of, and with the message that we are not supposed to be afraid, then we try to hide our fears. We try to pretend we don’t have them. We try to act cool, like we have things all figured out, when maybe we don’t have things all figured out.
Fear is often confounded with anxiety. They are, of course, related, but separate. Fear is a cognitive process. It has been defined as “the possibility that something dreaded or unwanted may occur”. Anxiety is an emotional process. It has been defined as “a tense emotional state”.
Fear comes before anxiety. For example, when a person says, “I have a fear of…” (doctors, airline travel, public speaking, taking an exam, etc.) he or she is referring to a thought about circumstances not currently present, but that may occur some time in the future. When a person says, “I am nervous”, they mean they are experiencing anxiety right now.
The fear and anxiety caused by anticipation of physical suffering, such as getting a shot at the doctor’s office, is not different in quality from that produced in anticipation of psychological suffering, such as social humiliation. The kinds of physically fearful situations people commonly encounter include injury, sickness or death. The kinds of psychologically fearful situations people commonly encounter include the possibility of disapproval, loss of a relationship, and rejection.
If we ask a person about their thoughts at the time they feel anxious, it becomes clear that their thoughts involve the anticipation of an unpleasant event that may occur in the future. The thoughts are about some dreaded event imagined occurring in the future. It has not happened yet. The future orientation of fear causes suffering. The suffering may be anticipated physical pain or a painful emotional state, but we can’t know the difference until we identify the thought.
Early childhood fears tend to center on the danger of injury or death, whereas older children show concern about social injury, such as rejection. Typically if a person observed his or her parents avoiding their fears as a child, they follow the same pattern, and consequently their fears are not mastered. A person’s avoidance plays an important part in sustaining the fear. With avoidance, we do not master the fear, and then with each successive avoidance the fear becomes more deeply entrenched.
Yet no one believes fears on purpose. Our parents believed their fears unconsciously. Parents don’t teach their children to avoid fears on purpose. Most people don’t even know what their fears are. I didn’t.
Then I learned CBT and The Work. My thought was: “I’m not supposed to have fears”. So I was ashamed that I did have fears. Using CBT and The Work, I discovered that I believed: “I have fears, but I’m not supposed to have fears, and I don’t know how not to have them, so if they are detected, I will be rejected.” Before, I didn’t even know that I had this fear of my fears! I believed I was supposed to know things (even when I didn’t) because I am the oldest sibling in my family. As a child, I had gotten the message that being lovable is connected to knowing how to do things.
When we are believing our fears, we are unmotivated, we have less energy, we give up on ourselves. When, instead, we question our fears using CBT and The Work, we begin to feel excited and motivated.
To admit I don’t know something is to admit to a different identity. I know how to admit this now, and find that I can still be loved even when I don’t know something. We can be loved even with our fears. And we can love others (e.g. our parents, our children) even with their fears. In fact, even because of them! This is true for everyone. Of course. We don’t need to be “fearless” to be loved.
I know what fears are now. They are valid, and yet not real. They are thoughts that cause images of a stressful future. When we believe these images, we feel anxiety. When instead, we question them, we feel present. Practicing CBT and The Work, one-thought-at-a-time, step-by-step, we attach less credence to each individual fear. So our ability to cope with them increases. The fear of the fear subsides once action begins. This is a huge, forgiving, freeing, relief. Fear can be a gift.
Kendall, P.C., Ney, J.S., Maxwell, C.A. Lehrbach, K.R., Jakubovic, R. J., McKnight, D.S., & Friedman, A.L. (2023). Adapting CBT for youth anxiety: Flexibility, within fidelity, in different settings. Front. Psychiatry Vol. 14.
Grogans, S.E., Bliss-Moreau, E. Buss, K.A., Clark, L.A., Fox, A.S., Keltner, D., Cowen, A.S., Kim, J.J., Kragel, P.A., MacLeod, C., Mobbs, D., Naragon-Gainey, K., Fullana, M.A. & Shackman, A.J. (2023). The nature and neurobiology of fear and anxiety: State of the science and opportunities for accelerating discovery. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews. Vol. 151.
