Self-Forgiveness

It can be difficult to admit when we feel shame. We all know that feeling. We have familiarity with it from childhood when we might have broken something or hit our siblings or anything else that we wish we hadn’t done and then felt confused about.

I used to be ashamed of my shame, and I had no idea what to do about it. I believed that I shouldn’t have shame, and then when I did have shame, I would try to hide from it, avoid it, bury it. And we all know how well that works.

Then I found cognitive behavioral therapy. Now I use this meaningful method both professionally and personally. With the practice of CBT we can become aware of feeling shame, and instead of being ashamed of our shame, we can grow in self-forgiveness and love.

CBT is very welcoming because it is simple and you feel better almost immediately. It can be practiced with children and teenagers and adults. It starts in the here and now, but can be used to look at the past also of course. In other words, CBT works on many different levels and so you can go as deep as you are ready to go.

CBT can be generalized with my hack of remembering “2-2-2”. In general, there are two parts of our minds, two types of thoughts, and two things we can do with these thoughts. We have the subconscious (also called the unconscious) and the conscious part of our mind. We have stressful and not-stressful thoughts. We can either believe or question a thought.

Suffering is caused by unconsciously believing a stressful thought, and healing occurs when we consciously question it. So when we practice CBT, we identify a stressful thought in the subconscious, bring it up to conscious awareness, and then we question it.

The first question in CBT is simply, “Is it true?” When we ask this question, we are practicing metacognition. We are thinking about a thought, we are wondering about a thought, and when we do this, it feels good.

Neuroscientists have found that we are actually forming a new neural pathway when we engage in metacognition. They have also found that children as young as 3 years old have the metacognitive ability to think about a thought and wonder if its true. Albert Einstein famously stated that a problem can not be solved with the same thinking that caused it in the first place. So when we engage in metacognition we are literally creating new thinking. This gives us choices we didn’t see before and that feels good.

As an example, I was once at an event where I felt ashamed of my age. Everyone seemed to know more than I did. My stressful thought was: “I should know more by now.” I was ashamed of how much I didn’t know and I was ashamed that this might be discovered. So I acted like I knew things that I didn’t. Then I felt ashamed of being ashamed.

When I was believing my cognitive distortion, I was imagining that I would be rejected if anyone found out that I only knew what I knew and not more. When we imagine scary scenarios and believe them, then we feel anxious. I was very anxious at this event trying to act knowledgeable and hoping not to be found out. Of course that meant I closed up. When instead I could have been open, and in so being, learned more, increased my knowledge. Later I felt ashamed of being fake, trying to hide. So I was rejecting myself essentially before anyone else could reject me.

Fortunately there is CBT, and I practiced my “2-2-2” method to remind me to use it. I remembered there are two parts of my mind. I remembered there are two kinds of thoughts. I remembered there are only two things I can do with a thought. So, I fished the stressful thought out of my subconscious up into my conscious awareness and I questioned it.

Is it true that at this event I should have known more? No, its not true. Its not even possible. I knew what I knew. Is it true that I would be rejected if I was honest about what I didn’t know? Maybe. But maybe not. And with that metacognitive realization, I feel my shame dissolve. Suddenly I saw choices. Is it true that I wish I knew more? Yes, that is true and there is no shame in that. I can do many things to increase my knowledge, but only once I admit that it is lacking in certain areas.

I used my “2-2-2” method to remember to practice CBT and something shifted. If you sometimes feel ashamed this “2-2-2” method could help. Try it for yourself and see.

Another wise thing that Albert Einstein said was that, “Few are those who see with their own eyes, and feel with their own hearts.”

In other words, until we learn how our minds work, we don’t necessarily know how to trust ourselves. Yet no one does this on purpose. So there is no shame in that. We can all learn how to forgive ourselves and begin to see with our own hearts.